The Remembering Self Versus The Experiencing Self

A lot of the time it hurts to remember. A lot of the times hurt to remember. It hurts considerably more to remember the good times than the bad ones. I avoid the memories my phone tries to remind me of like I’ve been avoiding mirrors. They would betray me and remind me of everything I’ve been and done, along with everything that’s been done to me, The Victim. Even though when it comes down to the moment, I could never be victimised. I could even be The Villain, but not The Victim. In the moment I have agency, I know what I’m doing and I can’t be stopped. It seems to pay off in the moment. I tell myself it’s worth it even if (when) it goes wrong and I get hurt, I tell my Self I don’t regret it, then I go on to regret some more. The Experiencing Self VS The Remembering Self. I remember peeling an orange being tiresome, but I experience it gladly. I remember getting up to brush my teeth before bed being tiresome, but I experience it gladly. I remember feeling disillusioned with someone else again and again being tiresome, but I experience it gladly. “It’s so worth it. It’s good for me. I’m growing.” Lately I’ve been involuntarily imagining what I’ll remember after I experience some inevitabilities. I already remember the regret I’ll feel. But I still experience it headstrong. The disconnection is still there, the dissonance is still there, the repetition is always there. I remember being so tired but I keep chasing the experience, I experience such tiredness but I keep remembering how good it feels, and the two Selves have never met. Not yet

por Marcella 𓇢𓆸